Importance of Emotions and Psychological Factors in Mediation

Emotions are often the real subject of a family mediation, even when the conversation is about money or schedules. A separation agreement can be legally sound and still fail if the emotional side isn’t addressed. People who feel unheard tend to reject reasonable proposals, sabotage agreements, or end up back in court a year later.

The legal divorce and the emotional divorce run on different timelines. The legal process moves through disclosure, negotiation and signed agreements. The emotional process moves through shock, grief, anger, and eventually acceptance, and it rarely follows a straight line. A mediator is working with both at once, and the emotional one usually sets the pace.

The parties are also rarely at the same emotional stage. The person who decided to leave has often been grieving the relationship privately for months or years, and arrives at mediation ready to move on. The person who was left may still be in shock. The leaver can read the other’s resistance as stubbornness, while the left spouse experiences the leaver’s pace as coldness. Naming this gap, without blaming either person, often lowers the temperature considerably.

Many disputes that look financial or practical are really emotional:

A fight over the house (Interest: security, identity, or the fear of starting over)
Insisting on equal parenting time (Interest: not wanting to feel replaced as a parent)
Refusing to budge on a small asset (Interest: wanting acknowledgment of hurt or betrayal)
Pushing for a quick sale of the house (Interest: wanting a clean break and the freedom to move on)
Delaying the process or not responding to proposals (Interest: hope of reconciliation, or avoiding the finality of the loss)
Demanding a detailed accounting of every expense (Interest: rebuilding trust after feeling deceived)
Objecting to a new partner meeting the children (Interest: fear of being replaced, or protecting the children from too much change)
Fighting over Christmas and other holidays (Interest: preserving family traditions and a sense of still being a family)
Seeking higher spousal support than expected (Interest: recognition of sacrifices made for the family, or fear of financial insecurity)
Contesting which school the children attend (Interest: fear of losing influence over the children’s future)
Arguing over who keeps the family pet (Interest: comfort, continuity, or not losing one more thing)
Refusing to sign over the wording of a single clause (Interest: a need for control when life feels out of control)

Daniel Mandelbaum

CERTIFIED FAMILY MEDIATOR – JUSTICE INSTITUTE OF BRITISH COLUMBIA

I discovered that I was born to mediate and collaborate, as I was – and still am – the individual that my friends and family call on to resolve any conflicts that may arise.